“I’m proud of you.”

“I’m proud of you.” Many people spend their whole lives chasing this sentence. Everyone wants to feel validated and supported. While this is true, especially for me, I cringe when I am told “I’m proud of you.” Why?

Growing up, and for most of my life, I’ve felt like a failure. I’ve always been a mile behind everyone, overly sensitive, and lost. I instinctively tear myself down, because that is what I’ve always known. I was never good enough. Not for anyone around me, although I tired. I tried and I failed repeatedly, because the expectations of others were too high. I couldn’t be happy with myself, and I couldn’t possibly feel accepted or loved. Despite all this, there has been one person who continuously has said “I’m proud of you.”

At first, I felt desperate for this sort of validation. I loved it and I needed more. It pushed me to try again, and again, to be better. But soon, I felt how I’ve felt for years now. I hear these words and they are empty. They are meaningless. They are words.

I am told over and over, almost daily, “I’m proud of you” and I feel nothing but anger now. Anger and frustration. I feel I am being lied to. I’m being coddled. They are overcompensating for the fact that, at one point, these were the words I needed most but never heard. They are doing only what they think they should. But they are wrong. I don’t want meaningless words repeated to me again, and again. I want and need genuine appreciation and support. I know they love me. I know they are proud. But they can’t possible have pride in everything I do every second of the day. Every time I call, every time I text. I wait for the inevitable words.

I am blessed. I know that. I am thankful for this person and their love for me. But I don’t want empty words and false support. I want honesty. I don’t always deserve someone’s pride. In fact, I rarely do. And I want to know that when I hear “I’m proud of you” it has weight.

Thank you for reading. If you have tips on how to handle this dilemma, please comment.

Should I?

Should I tell you how I feel.

Do I dare.

Will it frighten your frailty.

Will you turn away in disgust.

You dont understand.

You never will.

Is it my fault?

For not being honest.

For sheltering you.

For leaving myself to rust.

Alone.

I make myslef alone.

I dont want you to feel.

What i feel.

Should i tell you how i feel?

An open letter

You ignorant bitch. You have no compassion. I wish I could make you understand how hurtful it is that you do not care about me enough to educate yourself on mental illness. Instead, you judge me. You believe that I am a master of my thoughts and actions. You believe I have control. You believe that I have a choice. You find me to be pathetic and weak. You believe I make excuses. You believe I am the bitch in our relationship. But who am I to say what you believe? I am projecting my greatest fears onto you. I fear judgement. I fear rejection. And you, my friend, act accordingly. So, you are my greatest enemy. You become everything I hate about myself. You become everything I wish I could be.

My Journey Through Vegan Deodorant

The ugly truth

Hey yall! As this lovely picture depicts, I will be telling you all about my arm pits and the vegan products I have bought, used, regretted and wasted. Don’t worry… there is a slightly happy ending. I finally smell like lavender. Sort of.

Let us begin with the reason I decided to ditch my old deodorant in the first place. For years I had been using the same non-vegan, clinical strength, decent-smelling deodorant. But, suddenly I started getting a rash under my arms. At first I thought it was my laundry detergent, or a lack of rinsing in the shower. But, after a month of redness, I noticed things getting worse. I was irritated, inflamed, itchy, and burning! I didn’t want to believe that my beloved deodorant had been giving me this painful, bruise-like looking rash. Luckily, I had just made the decision to go vegan and was up for a new challenge…. vegan deodorant.

Now, when I do things, I don’t do them half-assed (usually). Not only was I determined to go vegan, I wanted to go zero waste as well. This meant finding a cruelty-free, vegan deodorant that came in a glass jar. Surprisingly, this was not difficult! I found my first failed deodorant at the farmers market, just as I needed it. I was pumped. A non-aluminum, baking soda based deo had come my way. Too bad I freaking hated it.

First of all, it came with a little plastic spatula, used to scrape out the amount of deodorant an ant would use. The smell was like liquor and lime, which I didn’t mind, until it was on my skin. Lime and sweat DO NOT MIX. Besides the form of the deo and the smell, it was packed full of baking soda that bothered my already irritated skin. (The deo package DID warn against using on broken out skin…. my bad). But, I continued using this deodorant for about a week and noticed a huge decrease in my pit rashes. Although this was a good sign, I moved on to something else.

While visiting a zero waste store in Colorado, I stumbled upon another vegan deodorant packaged in a glass jar. This one was from the brand Meow Meow Tweet. It smelled of grapefruit and possibilities. This deo had more of a cream base and seemed easier to apply, so I bought it for a cool 12 or 13 bucks. Their formula doesn’t include aluminum OR baking soda. I figured this would be perfect for my sensitive skin! And it was… sort of. The same week I started this deodorant, I became a gym member. I was putting this deo through the sweat test. Let me tell you, it did NOT pass. Not at all. I had to reapply throughout the day, before even heading to the gym. By the time I would actually get to working out, I smelled like the worst body odor I have probably ever produced. I quickly decided I had to move on, yet again.

Third, and lastly, I gave up on the idea of zero waste for deodorant and opted for a cruelty-free vegan option I found at Target… the Love Beauty and Planet brand. I also picked up their bar soap in the same lavender scent. I fell in love instantly. The smell… amazing. The feel… amazing. No more rashes…. amazing. My only problem with this deo is that I have to reapply throughout the day. Apparently I am a very sweaty girl. But, since I can’t have the “clinical strength” deodorant, I am more than content with this option and I recommend it to anyone wanting to switch their deodorant. Whether you want to help the planet, save the animals, or just need a good scent, Love Beauty and Planet is here for you.

Tell me your vegan deodorant horror stories or success stories! I’d love to listen 🙂